Dependence on self, other people or things was a tough one for me. Before I got clean my higher power was my husband. I looked to him to supply my every need. I also laid on his shoulders the responsibility of keeping me happy and entertained.
My whole life I had been a pull up your boot strings and do what needed to be done kinda girl. I had been on my own since I was 16. I had been a single mother to 2 small children and I never asked anyone for help. After I got married my husband became my everything. If I was depressed, sad or unhappy I would get pissed at him for not entertaining me and getting me out of my funk. When drugs really took over my life I looked to him to get what I needed and to keep me supplied and if he didn’t there was hell to pay around my house.
After I started to get clean I was still looking for him to provide me with whatever I felt I needed. I used to tell people we were so close that I depended on him to breathe. I thought that that showed how in love I was with him but in hindsight it must have been a horrible burden on him.
Nothing can be more demoralizing than a clinging dependence upon another person. This often amounts to the demand for a degree of protection and love that no human could possibly satisfy. My hoped for protector almost cracked under the pressure and I would have been left alone to either grow up or disintegrate.
My 12 step recovery program showed me that the best possible source of emotional stability had to be God himself, whatever I understood Him to be. I found dependence on Him to be perfect justice, forgiveness and love. It was explained to me that dependence on others was unhealthy and that dependence on God was healthy and would never fail me.
Today I stay very aware of where I place that dependence. I still tend to look to my husband to fix everything but the difference now is I don’t act on it, I am just aware and I take it, whatever it is to God in meditation and speak to my sponsor and support group. Our relationship is so much healthier than it ever was before. Now we are equal partners in our lives together and we both have amazing Gods to go to in all matters.
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